Discussion Stress handling.

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Misty

Guest
I find myself waking up feeling positive, then after 15 minutes, when I get up start to feel negative.
I look down at the Scooby Doo game I found in the trash. Then I feel obligated to play it. I start feeding negative led thoughts. I feel like I owe it that I have so much stuff, and I am ungrateful glutton who has so much stuff that they don't play it then I am a bad person. I also found a big screen TV in the trash. But I haven't hooked up the big screen TV or my PS2 in order to play the Scooby Doo game, and it makes me feel like a bad person because I haven't utilized all of my possessions - I feel like I am a wasteful glutton who doesn't use everything. I mean, my house is so full of "stuff" that I can't even walk around. But I cannot throw any of it away, lest I actually become a wasteful glutton.

I start to notice my bad breath - it puts me into a further state of negativity. Bu I just let it simmer sometimes, sometimes I don't even brush my teeth, because brushing my teeth puts me into a state of an existential black hole - with each stroke I start to notice the repetitive and existential futility of life.

Other thoughts start to creep in as well - thoughts of financial inadequacy, and missed opportunities. For instance I had almost got a job to be a supermodel, yet I never got the job because someone beat me to it. I feel as though my life is ruined, that I could have been a beautiful "somebody" and now I never will, which is mixed with paranoia as well - my fear is that they all secretly hate me and I will forever be doomed to a life of isolation and social unsuccess because of my ex who has possibly spread negative gossip about me behind my back, or because they don't agree with my political statements. But it doesn't stop there, the trimmings of other thoughts which creep in are very dangerous as well, and I cannot allow these thoughts to develop themselves past the proto stage. They remain as muted emotions, because when I allow the thoughts to fully blossom I get in for a world of hurt. The type of thoughts that torment me are of people who abandoned me and hurt me, and also thoughts of missed connections, which are the worst. What a missed connection means is you met a stranger who seemed awesome but it never went further from there and you will never see them again, thus dooming you to a life of isolation and unhappiness, stuck with the same circle of abusive friends, lackluster real life friends, and online friends that you may enjoy a lot, but you can't interact with.

Pretty much all I do every day is go on the computer - it is my passion. Partially this is to avoid missed connections (If I don't see something, it doesn't exist - double slit experiment), but partially it's because I just enjoy it alot. And when the code doesn't work out it makes me frustrated. But that I can deal with. The art side of coding is a bit of a different beast - when the artistic components of my mind are active, I start to become very "perfectionist". What I mean by this, is when one little pixel is out of place, it reminds me of traumatic memories and my mind goes into dark places. Then I ask myself is this good or bad? At this point I am starting to wonder if hellish places are inherently evil, from an existential perspective, perhaps I enjoy suffering this in the long run, because existentially, it passes the time with substance, ie. pain causes time to move slower, therefore, mathematically speaking, it causes life to more be relished. I ask myself, without this pain, would coding be even as enjoyable of an experience? Perhaps I relish the traumatic thoughts which are also mixed with pleasant and beautiful memories.

I have to be very clear with what I mean are traumatic thoughts, so I will give you an example of what are NOT traumatic thoughts. For instance, I had a dream last night I was a soldier in a team of 3 soldiers who were my friends. We were being bombarded by an enemy assault, an enemy who worked for an oppressive totalitarian government. We were hiding in the innards of our ship's base and it was dark everywhere so we had to have nigh vision. I was using remote control to control our base turrets and shoot down hordes of enemy planes and helicopters on the large boat we were in. Then I took a silenced pistol and machine gun to shoot them all in the back of the neck (where the slit in their armor was.) Some of them were trying to stom the base, the officers were just sitting on the bleachers, I would walk up to them shoot them and then slit their throat. This made me feel very good and so I mention it because is is NOT an example of a traumatic thought. An example of a traumatic thought is when I am going to bed and I start thinking about animal abuse.

When I think about animal abuse it makes me feel dirty and powerless, powerless to stop an insane world of animal abusers. I feel like it is my duty to be the leader of the world so I can save animals, then I realize how little social power I have and it makes me feel sick. The other type of traumatic thoughts I have is of people torturing other people, and this makes me feel powerless, like I am powerless to stop it. When I code art for long hours my mind goes into this and I start thinking about horror movies and such. My back starts to hurt and I get a bunch of morbid intrusive thoughts that infect my mind.

So when I code, it's like I want the code to be finished as soon as possible, but then it's like, what fun is that? The whole journey, the ride, is what's to be cherished of life...when the game is finally made...where did the fun go? The only thing that's left is ego-gratification of seeing the Let's plays and comments (South Park episode.) It's the process of making the game that is the most gratifying in my opinion.

Honestly, I just long for the olden days where I was a little kid, my only interest was playing Lego, videogames, and cuddling with dolls. Id just sit on the beach and go to the swimming pool, waterslide and wave pool. These were simpler times, simpler days. But I cannot hope for them again - Nietzsche's recurrence - by wishing to relive your childhood, you also wish to relive all of the teenage and adult trauma's you have experienced in life. The optimum life would be an eternal childhood a life of ignorant bliss.

Is there anyone else who has stressful psychological conditions, and if so, tell us about it.
 
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seanm

Guest
Go talk to your doctor about depression/anxiety and therapy.
 
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Misty

Guest
Go talk to your doctor about depression/anxiety and therapy.
I am medicated but it doesn't help with all the symptoms. Been going to therapy for 20 years.

Also I didnt want this topic to be only about me but for others to share there stressful minds too.
Sean, is there anything stressing you?
 
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SoulTie

Guest
@Misty well I think you're awesome :)
I struggled with depression for years. It wasn't until recently that I was able to completely overcome all of that, and finally be happy.
For me, the secret to happiness is to do whatever makes you happy, and (most importantly) not give a damn what anyone thinks about it. This may sound like a simple solution, however it is not an easy paradigm to adopt.
I used to wake and think that I was going to have a crappy day. You know what? I did. I now live life consciously aware of how my thoughts will affect me throughout the day. Think you are happy, and it will be so.
 
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MikeDark_x

Guest
I used to be depressed once, then said "f*** it" and changed a lot in my lifestyle, now I'm happy
 
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AlphaChannel

Guest
It's no that easy, first you need to understand the causes, the deal with them.
It took me a few months to understand it but it was easy to deal with it after that
To me it seems that most my causes are kind of things I can't change. But I'm glad you managed to sort your things out.
 
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MikeDark_x

Guest
To me it seems that most my causes are kind of things I can't change. But I'm glad you managed to sort your things out.
There are make ways to deal with them, change them, learn to accept them, kill them... Errr... forget that one... Just learn to give zero f***s, it helps a lot
 
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