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Forum Game Stick Figures With Hats.



Betty and her dumb cult prepare to cast a large spell.

Her sources tell her that the beast will absorb any damage dealt to it and use that power to grow stronger. If they manage to land a strong enough blow, however, it will be killed, claims one source.
The source is a crystal ball that has the amazing ability to allow her to communicate with faraway people. Isn't magic amazing!?

"What does not make me stronger kills me"
The beast has been slain. We shalln't be seeing it ever again.

30 minutes later, in the same general area:
Johnny: Drink the lava.
Johnny: Obtain some lava for later.

Not sure if you know this, but lava is incredibly hot and quite deadly indeed. Any attempt to consume or store lava would surely kill poor Johnny in an instant! You should be ashamed of yourself and your attempts to kill this lass. Shame on you!

Johnny stop being stupid and rejoin your commander.

Your entire party comes to your side to join you in staring at the thing above you that you're staring at and that the audience is unable to see. We are all wondering what it could be! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it that beast from earlier that we all thought was dead?

It's the last one.
There's a monster in your town. Yeah, you said it, this is your town now. Anyone wants to dispute that, you'll paint the walls with their internal organs.
Anyway, what are you going to do about this monster?

Spade: Adjust your chair to sit more comfortably.

Oh man that was uncomfortable. Now that the chair is oriented in a reasonable way, you are ready to enjoy the carnage. You wonder if it'll be at all one-sided.​

Shawn Basnett

Discount Dev
Heart: Attempt to woo the beast

Spade: Make some popcorn or something, what's the fun in a show without snacks.

Johnny: Break the fourth wall.


Spade: Make some popcorn or something, what's the fun in a show without snacks.

Unfortunately, making popcorn appear isn't one of your powers. Maybe there's some popcorn in the room somewhere?
Stop fighting for a moment everyone! You've got popcorn to find!

There was conveniently some right behind the bar.

Okay, carry on fighting to the death.

Heart: Attempt to woo the beast.

The beast rejects your attempt.

You land in a nearby building.

Johnny: Break the fourth wall.

Fourth wall? There are a lot of walls around here and Johnny doesn't know which of them is fourth. She doesn't even know which is first! What order do the walls come in? Is there a secret order of walls that she doesn't know about?

Hearts: Uh... got any cards on you, because the only ability you've got ready right now that'll so much as scratch that thing is your Ace of Hearts maneuver, which happens to be on cooldown.

You have a rules card, which will do nothing but tell you what the enemy is capable of. Still, you're fairly confident that you can defeat the beastie, and hubris has never caused you any trouble whatsoever!​
Last edited:

Shawn Basnett

Discount Dev
(This is wonderful, I'm glad it's still continuing)

Heart: Wield your plasma sword, attempt to attack under it's toenail thing, very hard.

Spade: Finish your popcorn and break up the fight with an unnecessary amount of force.

Johnny: Return to Heart, continue to do nothing, as you've done this entire time.



Heart: Wield your plasma sword, attempt to attack under it's toenail thing, very hard.
Hearts: Stop being an overconfident numpty and wait the cool down out.

You return to the battle.

Hearts: How do you feel about an enemy that gets stronger from every hit that fails to one-shot it? And also may or may not be predestined to die at a later point in time by someone else's hand? It'd be sort embaressing to get killed in this particular situation.

You consider the apparent power of this beast.

Hearts: Haha, no you can totally take this guy.

By your estimate it will be easier to dispose of than a tub of crusty toenail clippings, and it's about as welcome in your presence. Just to be sure...

Use the rules card to learn your opponents abilities

Diamondtop is one of the lower echelon of Lower Bosses.

It is blessed with profitable regeneration, huge blah blah blah. No weak spots apparently, has this cool tentacle attack.
Nothing here scares you.

[S] Go Ahead.

The intruding beast defeated by our noble and aloof hero, the people of the village could-

Wait, who's this and what are they looking at?​


It's Heat Guy!
It is not Heat Guy. It is I, your new narrator! Your previous narrator has decided to take a rest after animating for two months. Alas, I must fill the job until he returns and begins the second act of three. What an incomprehensible burden this is.

Before I show you events that happen and spin poetic descriptions of each I must introduce myself. I'll do so quickly because I don't have much time left, although there is a little space for "fun and games" if we keep it short.

Let us see if you can guess my name. To make it less impossible for you I have given you my initials: K.D.​


Observe events from the future and past using your crystal ball.

I had not expected you to understand the function of all of my complex equipment so I can forgive the simple mistake. Crystal balls are not for seeing through time; glimpsing the future is a task reserved for my chronoscope. Crystal balls are instead used to see and hear another location in space through a second crystal ball.

Use the crystal ball in your room.

I will demonstrate: I can talk to this man here, and he can also talk to me. As it happens, he is an archaeologist and in the past I have learned that he will just now have unearthed something that mere moments ago I learned that I would need in two weeks.​


Suck the ball clean like the naughty man you are.
Cut your hand open on your sword and write profanities on the crystal ball in blood

I would love to indulge each of your inane commands in turn. Believe me, I am nothing shy of desperate to bleed onto my crystal ball. Nothing would make me more joyful than to perform some clownish jig. Alas, the brief time reserved for "fun and games" has concluded.

Something significant and probably lethal will be upon us in two weeks. I will need to prepare my egress.


Doesn't this Chronoscope let you see the future? Then see it so you know what to prepare for!

Already looking at it. There will be this wall of energy passing over the land as though the dusk on civilisation itself. It's not something that is easily solved even though I can see it coming well in advance.

Follow the arrow on the right of your telescope thing.

That is the Day Hand on the chronoscope. It indicates the number of days forward I am looking. 14 days and 14 hours is the limit. I have found no plausible explanation for the scale to use under ninety degrees out of a possible 360.

Stop not letting us derail this. I bet you drew all those pictures in advance and now you're being lazy. I bet you can't even show us Heat Guy doing a somersault over an army of skeleton dwarves.
The reason I cannot show you that is because Heatguy is not currently somersaulting over skeletal dwarves. Even if he were going to in the next fourteen days, he is much too far away for me to see from here.

Nay, he is currently contemplating his next course of action whilst witnessing the explosion that destroyed part of his town.​


The Village Idiot
> Nobody make a single command that doesn't contain Heat guy, that way his next update has to mention him again.


Does Heat Guy have a hot brother? Asking for a friend.

He does have a brother and said brother is royalty. Whether he is hot or not is not for me to say, for heat is in the eye of the beholder.

Can we get some more Heat Guy lore?

I can show you what he's doing right now if you'd like. While you watch I'll recap SFWH for you.

Recap SFWH

Two stick figures arrived out of nowhere into this world of magic and mayhem. One with a heart for a head, another with a spade. Both shallowly explored the vicinity of their arrival. One found and harvested an ally, the other found and robbed an indestructible box. One found a great adversary, the other found two warring parties. Both dispatched the combatants before them with utmost ease.

Franz Heatguy was introduced in the midst of his frantic defense of his territory from an enemy invasion. He was dueling one of the interlopers who could almost match him. Had the fight continued he would have tasted victory. For reasons inexplicable he decided to autodefenestrate out of the battlefield shortly before two greater foreigners made their presence known to him via explosion. He is currently investigating this event.

Clubs and Diamonds did some things. I don't know what, I haven't been able to see it. These happenings are invisible to my many eyes.

I'll also tell you what happens for the remainder of the story.

Spoil SFWH

As the most powerful wizard in the world and a man with access to the breadth and depth of history, I am qualified to tell you this much about the stick figure with a heart for a head. His attack on the Diamondtop was unnecessarily potent. The blast and resulting fires - that he made no move to quell - claimed lives. It was also the most powerful offensive action in all of history. Which is significant when you're talking about a species of wizards.

Over the next two weeks he and to a lesser extent Spades would trade blows with their respective foes in increasingly destructive ways. This escalation will culminate in an event widely referred to by the chronombulatory community as WZ. I don't want to say it'll be the end of the world but I think it'll be the end of the world.

Heatguy confronts the stick figure who ignited the town he has been charged with defending, justice more on his mind than mitigating damage. A common mistake of his kind. I have not seen what happens next but I can guess this much: If these two were to fight, Heatguy would certainly perish.

I'm back! It's me, look I'm talking in bold to indicate a different narrator even though I'm the original one!


I hope you've kept the place nice and orderly, I see you gave a recap, good good. But wait, what is this I see here?

You were talking about Heatguy? Land sakes, man! I gave you one golden rule: Don't focus on Heatguy!

But the audience asked for it..

You don't always do what they say when it comes to you, do you? Why not look at a rock or something and go "hey look at this it's something way more interesting than heat man okay let's move on" kind of thing

But he's right next to Hearts, I can't mention one without the other.

Can't mention one without... yeah alright I buy that now. But no Heatguy in the next intermission alright? Well you won't be able to because.. don't look into the past at Heatguy during the next intermission, aight? Capisce?

Yeah yeah you lousy excuse for a wordman.

Excellent! Let's get this show on the road, we've spent a full thirty seconds lounging about in your lame little house!


Look into the future at Heatguy during the next intermission.
The chronosope cannot yet see that far into the future. Kjohn will need to wait a few seconds for the next intermission to be within range of the chronoscope.

Or the present.
Heatguy is on another continent. No telescope, temporally abled or otherwise, will allow Kjohn to see through the countless kilometres of solid rock and magma between the two of them.

Give into peer pressure at the risk of losing audience captivity

I resist the pressure to entertain this clown any longer and pull the narrative to view this lamp.

You are now this lass. Your current epic quest has taken you the better part of an hour and only now is it nearing its end. Civilisation itself rests on your success here. Fortunately it seems that nothing more will stand between you and your objective except this treacherous winding path.

Path easily navigated, you confront the man who serves as your destination. The old man greets you with open arms. He has awaited this delivery for most of his life and only now, as the Reaper closes in on him, shall he receive it.

This is a truly victory worth celebrating!

Of course you were just pretending. You're an ordinary deliveryperson moving normal packages from point A, which is ordinary, to point B, who is a regular citizen.

Still, you are happy to serve as the very bedrock of society. Without your services and the service of your fellow workers, civilisation as you know it would surely crumble.

Boy it's pretty late. You should be getting back home.
Knock on old man's door and run home? [Y/N]​


Give him a knock knock joke.

"Knock Knock!"

The man is too unconscious to reply to your legendary joke.

Wait to die of old age

Your waiting is interrupted a few hours in by sudden unconsciousness.​



You dream about a big fat man named "Dreamy Steve" who only complains and tells you to wake up.

Who would win in a fight? Heat Guy or Dreamy Steve.

It would surely be a spectacle to behold. Heatguy would have to bring the hottest of his fires to the battlefield and Steve would have to wield the greatest of his weapons in order to stand the heat.
Alas the two can never fight because one is real and the other exists only in the realm of the dreams of wizards.

I wonder what Heat Guy's up to

He's confronting a stick figure with a hat. (by which I mean it has a heart for a head)
"What have you done to my town?" he's saying, or something to that effect, "I'll have you roasted for this!"​


Roast Heart Guy

You fail to be roasted by Heatguy, your mighty face deflecting all of the several thousand Celciuses that have been sent to cook you.​