I've been thinking alot about my life. And everytime that thought ended, the outcome was me questioning my existence: ------------------------ Everytime I fail, everytime I dissapoint someone it feels like a giant rock weighing me down. But everytime I succeed, nothing really changes. I've heard this saying a million times: "Everyone makes a mistake sometimes". It is used to make someone feel better when they do make a mistake. The problem is just that everytime it is told to me, I feel worse. How many mistakes is "a mistake sometimes"? The reason I say this is because everyone seems to never make mistakes as often as I do. And because of it, I pull the shorter straw. Why do people succeed in their profession? How do people avoid making mistakes. I know a lot of tricks, yet I still fail? Why can I not understand the basics of my profession? What did I earn all this flak for? Why didn't I ask for help? How do I ask for help if I am certain of my work? Am I that unintelligent? Am I that autistic? Why do I exist? What does the world need me for? ------------------------- I used to be worse when I was younger. I always had suicidal thoughts just for the smallest of mistakes. Like not knowing a word in another language or a mathematical problem I couldn't solve. How did it come to that? The fact that my teachers told me I should not head straight for the mountain top and instead find my way up in a flatter route didn't make sense to me. If they meant that, why did I receive so much flak for failing and dissapointing? Was I overreacting? Am I still? Anyway, it's too late now, time has caught me and there is not any left to succeed in my profession. There is about a 0% chance of me finding a job after I've passed my second finals test or not. I am looking forward to military and everything after. I want to be a game dev for gods sake. I am just sooo triggered when I fail at something I should know. In school I had excellent grades, but everytime I was told to work on my profession I failed. I was the only one to not pass the finals even though I had one of the best grades. How do people execute what they learned irl? This isn't like they taught us in the simulations. I am worried that once I start my new profession I fail the same way. Don't worry about me, I'm not going to end myself. After what has happened the past couple of years, I no longer feel the desire. I am not mentally or emotionally instable, I am just sad.