M
Misu
Guest
Allow me to explain from beginning to present. Please spare some time to read my story.
I have been with the GM community since 2010 when I first settled into an additional new passion - Game Making. With my mind coursing so many ideas and so visionary toward goals, I was feeling quite excited and very creative. Of course this happened during my prep year of college and I also carried another passion that I worked hard to fulfill into a profession - which was traditional art. I have participated in so much events for the art community so that I can build my future career but game making had something side-special that enlighten my heart during all my freetime. Since in my college lacked an actual game development community, I ended up joining YYGF, then GMC afterwards. This is because I wanted to share my vision and my passion to others and find ways to make contacts and close friends to travel along the road of game making. Of course I also dreamed big and thought of adding such passion into part-time career as well. However, things never really came along how I expected that time.
I started my first game to be a brick breaking genre that I got inspired from another game I used to love playing during my junior high years called DX Ball. I took long to finish but I did and it was very ambitious. I had to use a network asset called gmech to power my online highscore system during that time and It came along with a chat community that I spent time hanging. I made friends and joined a team but my autism never helped me keep those friends close and loyal. I screwed things up along the way because I wasnt thinking bright enough on keeping relationship to others. I failed to be a companion to anyone although I kept going making games. Last complete game was released on 2013 and its last update on 2016. Ever since then, I kept on doing incomplete and abandoned projects with each one lost of motivation. That lost of feeling of people conection led me into a habit of seeking conversation and socializing with people. This mostly why I always end up posting a lot on the status board instead of actually participating in any thread on the forum. This habit also followed outside my life in campus. However I was still a screw up in many occasions and most caused my reputation down the drain.
When I moved out independently I thought I could finally gain some freedom to fix up my social life. It sort of did in terms of my growing art career and gotten me to places so great that I was finally rebuilding one side of my reputation. I even managed to get a first girl friend and established with a group of friends that we hung out a lot. Sadly it died along the way because I got too carried away from the social side of life which provoked my dedication and responsibility to wither. This slowly led my relationship to break up and fall bankrupt as I also spend too much time trying to go against a group of artists they mistreated me in campus. This caused everyone to hate me and led to the end of my art career.
However... I still had game making as a passion that I kept fiddling with most of my time. But I still could not finish anything at all and had disappointed others because of this habit. Its mostly because I felt like I am not getting anyones support or Im just feeling too lonely in this world. Most of what I do is casually unappreciated now and it reached the point that it feels like I am nothing to anyone here. I did had a good ongoing pride during the consecutive times being honorable jam reviewer but eventually that died along the path; I realize nobody cares of what I do now and shown no appreciation or support on doing so.
Now I dont have anything else to do to keep on moving forward with my life and visions. Everything just slowly died and now I dont see how I can be happy with what I do. I spent too much time enjoying this alone but its not getting me anywhere. If I just continue to just do games minding my own matter without anyone to know then Im just wasting my valuable time getting somewhere with my life. If I spread my work and share my contributions, it slowly gets me on a path that enlightens me and my time of dedication. But all the depresive moments I had just keeps me down. I end up stop making games since the beginning of 2020 yet I still lurk the forum. I have been engaging gaming on my pc so much since it helped slowly find new connections with people for me to socialize with while I still focus on my irl job (That I never really wanted to work at but it was an opportunity I took). Today I got horribly upset because I had to spend money after money on new controllers to play my favorite game and it kept preventing me from having fun. I realized from there that most of my social life is almost nonexistent and the only thing I kept using still is Discord and the forum to socialize but nothing good is coming out of it now. I do have other social medias but it seems I got nothing to share anymore since now my motivation and passion died.
So I dont know... I think I have reached the end of my ongoing adventure in life. Failure after failure led me to rejection and depression. I can only do now is focus on my irl job without anything to love. I really hate having to admit this but I just dont know what to do anymore. I come back and go consistently but no progress has ever been made. I might be wrong at this if you know for sure but I dunno what else to do anymore. Im sorry if all this is talk is not showing any good example but its what my mind is going thru.
I have been with the GM community since 2010 when I first settled into an additional new passion - Game Making. With my mind coursing so many ideas and so visionary toward goals, I was feeling quite excited and very creative. Of course this happened during my prep year of college and I also carried another passion that I worked hard to fulfill into a profession - which was traditional art. I have participated in so much events for the art community so that I can build my future career but game making had something side-special that enlighten my heart during all my freetime. Since in my college lacked an actual game development community, I ended up joining YYGF, then GMC afterwards. This is because I wanted to share my vision and my passion to others and find ways to make contacts and close friends to travel along the road of game making. Of course I also dreamed big and thought of adding such passion into part-time career as well. However, things never really came along how I expected that time.
I started my first game to be a brick breaking genre that I got inspired from another game I used to love playing during my junior high years called DX Ball. I took long to finish but I did and it was very ambitious. I had to use a network asset called gmech to power my online highscore system during that time and It came along with a chat community that I spent time hanging. I made friends and joined a team but my autism never helped me keep those friends close and loyal. I screwed things up along the way because I wasnt thinking bright enough on keeping relationship to others. I failed to be a companion to anyone although I kept going making games. Last complete game was released on 2013 and its last update on 2016. Ever since then, I kept on doing incomplete and abandoned projects with each one lost of motivation. That lost of feeling of people conection led me into a habit of seeking conversation and socializing with people. This mostly why I always end up posting a lot on the status board instead of actually participating in any thread on the forum. This habit also followed outside my life in campus. However I was still a screw up in many occasions and most caused my reputation down the drain.
When I moved out independently I thought I could finally gain some freedom to fix up my social life. It sort of did in terms of my growing art career and gotten me to places so great that I was finally rebuilding one side of my reputation. I even managed to get a first girl friend and established with a group of friends that we hung out a lot. Sadly it died along the way because I got too carried away from the social side of life which provoked my dedication and responsibility to wither. This slowly led my relationship to break up and fall bankrupt as I also spend too much time trying to go against a group of artists they mistreated me in campus. This caused everyone to hate me and led to the end of my art career.
However... I still had game making as a passion that I kept fiddling with most of my time. But I still could not finish anything at all and had disappointed others because of this habit. Its mostly because I felt like I am not getting anyones support or Im just feeling too lonely in this world. Most of what I do is casually unappreciated now and it reached the point that it feels like I am nothing to anyone here. I did had a good ongoing pride during the consecutive times being honorable jam reviewer but eventually that died along the path; I realize nobody cares of what I do now and shown no appreciation or support on doing so.
Now I dont have anything else to do to keep on moving forward with my life and visions. Everything just slowly died and now I dont see how I can be happy with what I do. I spent too much time enjoying this alone but its not getting me anywhere. If I just continue to just do games minding my own matter without anyone to know then Im just wasting my valuable time getting somewhere with my life. If I spread my work and share my contributions, it slowly gets me on a path that enlightens me and my time of dedication. But all the depresive moments I had just keeps me down. I end up stop making games since the beginning of 2020 yet I still lurk the forum. I have been engaging gaming on my pc so much since it helped slowly find new connections with people for me to socialize with while I still focus on my irl job (That I never really wanted to work at but it was an opportunity I took). Today I got horribly upset because I had to spend money after money on new controllers to play my favorite game and it kept preventing me from having fun. I realized from there that most of my social life is almost nonexistent and the only thing I kept using still is Discord and the forum to socialize but nothing good is coming out of it now. I do have other social medias but it seems I got nothing to share anymore since now my motivation and passion died.
So I dont know... I think I have reached the end of my ongoing adventure in life. Failure after failure led me to rejection and depression. I can only do now is focus on my irl job without anything to love. I really hate having to admit this but I just dont know what to do anymore. I come back and go consistently but no progress has ever been made. I might be wrong at this if you know for sure but I dunno what else to do anymore. Im sorry if all this is talk is not showing any good example but its what my mind is going thru.
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