I think I reached the end ...

Misu

The forum's immigrant
Allow me to explain from beginning to present. Please spare some time to read my story.

I have been with the GM community since 2010 when I first settled into an additional new passion - Game Making. With my mind coursing so many ideas and so visionary toward goals, I was feeling quite excited and very creative. Of course this happened during my prep year of college and I also carried another passion that I worked hard to fulfill into a profession - which was traditional art. I have participated in so much events for the art community so that I can build my future career but game making had something side-special that enlighten my heart during all my freetime. Since in my college lacked an actual game development community, I ended up joining YYGF, then GMC afterwards. This is because I wanted to share my vision and my passion to others and find ways to make contacts and close friends to travel along the road of game making. Of course I also dreamed big and thought of adding such passion into part-time career as well. However, things never really came along how I expected that time.

I started my first game to be a brick breaking genre that I got inspired from another game I used to love playing during my junior high years called DX Ball. I took long to finish but I did and it was very ambitious. I had to use a network asset called gmech to power my online highscore system during that time and It came along with a chat community that I spent time hanging. I made friends and joined a team but my autism never helped me keep those friends close and loyal. I screwed things up along the way because I wasnt thinking bright enough on keeping relationship to others. I failed to be a companion to anyone although I kept going making games. Last complete game was released on 2013 and its last update on 2016. Ever since then, I kept on doing incomplete and abandoned projects with each one lost of motivation. That lost of feeling of people conection led me into a habit of seeking conversation and socializing with people. This mostly why I always end up posting a lot on the status board instead of actually participating in any thread on the forum. This habit also followed outside my life in campus. However I was still a screw up in many occasions and most caused my reputation down the drain.

When I moved out independently I thought I could finally gain some freedom to fix up my social life. It sort of did in terms of my growing art career and gotten me to places so great that I was finally rebuilding one side of my reputation. I even managed to get a first girl friend and established with a group of friends that we hung out a lot. Sadly it died along the way because I got too carried away from the social side of life which provoked my dedication and responsibility to wither. This slowly led my relationship to break up and fall bankrupt as I also spend too much time trying to go against a group of artists they mistreated me in campus. This caused everyone to hate me and led to the end of my art career.

However... I still had game making as a passion that I kept fiddling with most of my time. But I still could not finish anything at all and had disappointed others because of this habit. Its mostly because I felt like I am not getting anyones support or Im just feeling too lonely in this world. Most of what I do is casually unappreciated now and it reached the point that it feels like I am nothing to anyone here. I did had a good ongoing pride during the consecutive times being honorable jam reviewer but eventually that died along the path; I realize nobody cares of what I do now and shown no appreciation or support on doing so.

Now I dont have anything else to do to keep on moving forward with my life and visions. Everything just slowly died and now I dont see how I can be happy with what I do. I spent too much time enjoying this alone but its not getting me anywhere. If I just continue to just do games minding my own matter without anyone to know then Im just wasting my valuable time getting somewhere with my life. If I spread my work and share my contributions, it slowly gets me on a path that enlightens me and my time of dedication. But all the depresive moments I had just keeps me down. I end up stop making games since the beginning of 2020 yet I still lurk the forum. I have been engaging gaming on my pc so much since it helped slowly find new connections with people for me to socialize with while I still focus on my irl job (That I never really wanted to work at but it was an opportunity I took). Today I got horribly upset because I had to spend money after money on new controllers to play my favorite game and it kept preventing me from having fun. I realized from there that most of my social life is almost nonexistent and the only thing I kept using still is Discord and the forum to socialize but nothing good is coming out of it now. I do have other social medias but it seems I got nothing to share anymore since now my motivation and passion died.

So I dont know... I think I have reached the end of my ongoing adventure in life. Failure after failure led me to rejection and depression. I can only do now is focus on my irl job without anything to love. I really hate having to admit this but I just dont know what to do anymore. I come back and go consistently but no progress has ever been made. I might be wrong at this if you know for sure but I dunno what else to do anymore. Im sorry if all this is talk is not showing any good example but its what my mind is going thru.
 
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I have been dabbling with GameMaker since 2010, and I remember seeing you in the community throughout the years. If I personally never gave you any feedback, it is because I don't do it to anyone, but I am willing to put my hands on fire betting that there are people that recognize your work (like the GMC Jam reviews). There is no single game I have finished in my portfolio, and I took a long hiatus from game development due to professional life. I also had my fair share of lesser mental stability (e.g., depression) some years ago but thankfully, everything is picking up again. So if you need someone to talk to and potentially connect to feel free to reach out to me, I can't promise that we'll become best friends since that doesn't depend on want alone, but friendships start with a simple conversation, so why not give it a go? Yes, life might seem bleak right now but you'll manage to eventually turn it around again. And your mistakes are part of a learning process, they will just make you more resilient and prepare you better for the future. So just hang in tight @Misu.
 

Misu

The forum's immigrant
Believe me if I say this, I have given a go on conversations with people and a lot of them. The truth is lot of people just never like spending time with me or they have grown too occupied in life that they dont respond back. I feel like a nomad when it comes to seeking relationship or simply find someone to talk to. Spending time just working at my job and doing stuff on my computer makes me feel terribly lonely. Mostly my passtime was what kept me going very well but it seems what I love the most isnt real love anymore. Now I dont really like openning GM anymore and my mind doesnt seem to admire the ideas I bring up. I felt like the true absense of my desire is coming from the one thing I fail to maintain. Not sure if quitting completing helps because then I remain with nothing to keep me passionate even if I yet struggle finding admiration to game making. I dont see the goodness on anything.
 
Well, you won't be able to get any connection with anyone if you don't keep on trying it. Also, if you alone cannot motivate yourself for a project why not seek partnerships with someone else? Maybe with someone that also has a tough time motivating and you could try to motivate one another. Either way, if you ever want to speak just send me a PM, I'm always open to chatting a bit.
 

Lumenflower

Yellow Dog
The truth is game development is usually a job. Programmers get paid because programming is fundamentally tedious. The vast vast vast majority of people would not sit for hours a day and program a game without a guarantee of regular and stable pay. For hobbyist game developers, there's a huge amount of work that has to go in before you can reap the rewards, at least in comparison to a regular nine-to-five. There is no boss to push you to perform, no deadlines to strive for, no accountability. So of course it's discouraging. It's a bloody hard industry to make a break in, so don't beat yourself up that it's not working out. The same goes for art - unless you're a paid illustrator or photographer or similar, the rewards are so uncertain and the success stories so few and far between that it's bound to tax your mental health.

My advice is just remember that you're already working a job and at the end of the day game development is a hobby for you. If you treat it as a job and keep punishing yourself for your lack of commitment, you'll just end up in a spiral. Once you have clocked out from work, you have earned yourself a few hours of doing whatever you want. You don't have to open up Game Maker for your other job as a programmer. You don't have to churn out some art for your other job as an artist. These are things you do because you enjoy them, so don't let them become a chore. If you don't want to work on a game any more, then don't. You enjoyed programming it for the first few days, it doesn't matter if it never gets finished. If your dream truly is in art or game development, then do your best to get a stable job in those fields. Stability and a good boss will do absolute wonders for your productivity and personal development.
Also try a sport. I recommend gymnastics.
 

woodsmoke

Member
@Misu
If you want good friends then take responsibility for yourself and find out why "people never like spending time with me". Ask some people what they don't/didn't like about you the most. Then work on that. After patch 2.10 your social life should improve.

Also if you are not physically fit then get fit. Eat healthy get sunlight and enough sleep. A healthy mind needs a healthy body.
 
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