I don't know if this topic will be considered useless or a meme post. Frankly I don't even care if its gets deleted.
I just want to scream into the void, maybe with the hopes that the void offers something back, or at the very least takes my words as inspiration.
For a long time I've dealt with Depression and Anxiety, in 2018 I went and I saw a therapist. It was nice, I liked it, I got better, the depressive episodes were a lot less painful, the anxiety was basically no longer existent. I was able to get a job, talk to people. Feel happy for once, like some puzzle piece that finally fit into place. It never went away though. The depression stalks and waits like a tiger watching a zebra, and at the first sign of weakness it strikes with no mercy. The anxiety is much more manageable, see its mostly social anxiety, and now its much less of anxiety and more like a skill that I have to practice otherwise I get bad at it. Bipolar depression. When I'm happy, I'm really happy, glad to be alive, wanting to spread that happiness to others.
In 2015 I'd join a mobile app where I met a close group of friends, internet strangers I don't know what made me be so trusting but I just had this feeling you know? Going on strong still they are basically my family now, but we weren't always so friendly.
I am impulsive, I google the meaning and it simply says I don't think before doing actions but that's not how it feels. I don't know how to describe how it feels, it just happens and I always end up hurting people, or taking jokes to far, not getting the point until someone punches me and says stop. But by then its already to late. At that point I've already pushed to far. I know what its like to feel sad, rejected, alone. That's why I always try to be nice, happy. And if maybe I could make someone's day, 1 minute of their life better because of me. I feel like life it worth it really. I want to spread joy to others but I never see when I'm causing harm by that. I always used to think people didn't like my jokes or the way I acted. But that wasn't the issue. They didn't like the type of jokes I was doing, they didn't like the way I was acting, I realize that now. But my reaction hasn't changed. I get physically ill when I feel like I've hurt someone, or that I've done something wrong. my reaction is to pull back, lock myself away. hide. don't return.
The worst part about it is, I'll feel terrible now, but when I go to sleep, the moment I wake up, I'll feel like it never happened. But I'll know it happened, I'll never let myself forget it happened. not because I want to. But because my brain wont let me forget it.
I used to find joy in creating things. Making games. Every time I open the engine rather then excitement I get sadness. I find coding a chore now, not a fun thing to do, I no longer have any hopes of making something out of what I spend my hours doing.
I was given 10$ for something I made in an afternoon as a joke. I don't feel happy I feel regret. I feel like I'll never make any of the hundreds of dollars I spent mean anything.
There is a saying "in 100 years no one will know you existed" and most people shrug it off, "good They will forget my mistakes" they think. That saying terrifies me, I do not fear death, its inevitable but I fear what happens after. I don't want to be forgotten.
I started coding a small space shooter, with terrible code, horrible sprites, I knew nothing. Yet I thought for a moment, I would become something from this. That this thing I was making was amazing. I realized as the years grew it was terrible. So I started an RPG, I learned a lot more, I figured out to do more things, I crafted stories I made worlds, I made entire history, for no one. It was terrible too, so broken I still have it setting on my desk with the idea I'll return to it, but I know I never will, its far to gone now.
I came up with a game, about my thoughts, How I felt about myself. That sparked peoples interests. I decided to make it do stuff I was good at, make jokes! tease you! make you think something was wrong with your pc. Open the CD tray! That made a few people exited. A fresh Idea, no ones done before. But How do I do it? What's the point? I made a story, it was terrible. I made another, still terrible just a repaint of someone else's! A thought about myself. How would the game play work? My puzzle pieces do not fit, yet they taunt me every chance they get. I sit here and I think. I'll never be anything. I'll never make anything great or exciting. I'll be forgotten.
If I ever hurt you, If I ever made you upset or annoyed.
I'm sorry. I'm deeply truly sorry. but I know I'm already past forgiveness.
I just want to say, Thanks for being alive, for having your mind all together.
Hopefully I'll be that way too someday.
-Evanski
Edit: I posted this while feeling in a really bad place, I've since calmed down a bit and now feel sort of silly about posting this. But I hope it serves as a post for others to realize they are not alone in what they are feeling.
I just want to scream into the void, maybe with the hopes that the void offers something back, or at the very least takes my words as inspiration.
For a long time I've dealt with Depression and Anxiety, in 2018 I went and I saw a therapist. It was nice, I liked it, I got better, the depressive episodes were a lot less painful, the anxiety was basically no longer existent. I was able to get a job, talk to people. Feel happy for once, like some puzzle piece that finally fit into place. It never went away though. The depression stalks and waits like a tiger watching a zebra, and at the first sign of weakness it strikes with no mercy. The anxiety is much more manageable, see its mostly social anxiety, and now its much less of anxiety and more like a skill that I have to practice otherwise I get bad at it. Bipolar depression. When I'm happy, I'm really happy, glad to be alive, wanting to spread that happiness to others.
In 2015 I'd join a mobile app where I met a close group of friends, internet strangers I don't know what made me be so trusting but I just had this feeling you know? Going on strong still they are basically my family now, but we weren't always so friendly.
I am impulsive, I google the meaning and it simply says I don't think before doing actions but that's not how it feels. I don't know how to describe how it feels, it just happens and I always end up hurting people, or taking jokes to far, not getting the point until someone punches me and says stop. But by then its already to late. At that point I've already pushed to far. I know what its like to feel sad, rejected, alone. That's why I always try to be nice, happy. And if maybe I could make someone's day, 1 minute of their life better because of me. I feel like life it worth it really. I want to spread joy to others but I never see when I'm causing harm by that. I always used to think people didn't like my jokes or the way I acted. But that wasn't the issue. They didn't like the type of jokes I was doing, they didn't like the way I was acting, I realize that now. But my reaction hasn't changed. I get physically ill when I feel like I've hurt someone, or that I've done something wrong. my reaction is to pull back, lock myself away. hide. don't return.
The worst part about it is, I'll feel terrible now, but when I go to sleep, the moment I wake up, I'll feel like it never happened. But I'll know it happened, I'll never let myself forget it happened. not because I want to. But because my brain wont let me forget it.
I used to find joy in creating things. Making games. Every time I open the engine rather then excitement I get sadness. I find coding a chore now, not a fun thing to do, I no longer have any hopes of making something out of what I spend my hours doing.
I was given 10$ for something I made in an afternoon as a joke. I don't feel happy I feel regret. I feel like I'll never make any of the hundreds of dollars I spent mean anything.
There is a saying "in 100 years no one will know you existed" and most people shrug it off, "good They will forget my mistakes" they think. That saying terrifies me, I do not fear death, its inevitable but I fear what happens after. I don't want to be forgotten.
I started coding a small space shooter, with terrible code, horrible sprites, I knew nothing. Yet I thought for a moment, I would become something from this. That this thing I was making was amazing. I realized as the years grew it was terrible. So I started an RPG, I learned a lot more, I figured out to do more things, I crafted stories I made worlds, I made entire history, for no one. It was terrible too, so broken I still have it setting on my desk with the idea I'll return to it, but I know I never will, its far to gone now.
I came up with a game, about my thoughts, How I felt about myself. That sparked peoples interests. I decided to make it do stuff I was good at, make jokes! tease you! make you think something was wrong with your pc. Open the CD tray! That made a few people exited. A fresh Idea, no ones done before. But How do I do it? What's the point? I made a story, it was terrible. I made another, still terrible just a repaint of someone else's! A thought about myself. How would the game play work? My puzzle pieces do not fit, yet they taunt me every chance they get. I sit here and I think. I'll never be anything. I'll never make anything great or exciting. I'll be forgotten.
If I ever hurt you, If I ever made you upset or annoyed.
I'm sorry. I'm deeply truly sorry. but I know I'm already past forgiveness.
I just want to say, Thanks for being alive, for having your mind all together.
Hopefully I'll be that way too someday.
-Evanski
Edit: I posted this while feeling in a really bad place, I've since calmed down a bit and now feel sort of silly about posting this. But I hope it serves as a post for others to realize they are not alone in what they are feeling.
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