Evanski's Emotional Talk


Raccoon Jam Host
I don't know if this topic will be considered useless or a meme post. Frankly I don't even care if its gets deleted.
I just want to scream into the void, maybe with the hopes that the void offers something back, or at the very least takes my words as inspiration.

For a long time I've dealt with Depression and Anxiety, in 2018 I went and I saw a therapist. It was nice, I liked it, I got better, the depressive episodes were a lot less painful, the anxiety was basically no longer existent. I was able to get a job, talk to people. Feel happy for once, like some puzzle piece that finally fit into place. It never went away though. The depression stalks and waits like a tiger watching a zebra, and at the first sign of weakness it strikes with no mercy. The anxiety is much more manageable, see its mostly social anxiety, and now its much less of anxiety and more like a skill that I have to practice otherwise I get bad at it. Bipolar depression. When I'm happy, I'm really happy, glad to be alive, wanting to spread that happiness to others.
In 2015 I'd join a mobile app where I met a close group of friends, internet strangers I don't know what made me be so trusting but I just had this feeling you know? Going on strong still they are basically my family now, but we weren't always so friendly.
I am impulsive, I google the meaning and it simply says I don't think before doing actions but that's not how it feels. I don't know how to describe how it feels, it just happens and I always end up hurting people, or taking jokes to far, not getting the point until someone punches me and says stop. But by then its already to late. At that point I've already pushed to far. I know what its like to feel sad, rejected, alone. That's why I always try to be nice, happy. And if maybe I could make someone's day, 1 minute of their life better because of me. I feel like life it worth it really. I want to spread joy to others but I never see when I'm causing harm by that. I always used to think people didn't like my jokes or the way I acted. But that wasn't the issue. They didn't like the type of jokes I was doing, they didn't like the way I was acting, I realize that now. But my reaction hasn't changed. I get physically ill when I feel like I've hurt someone, or that I've done something wrong. my reaction is to pull back, lock myself away. hide. don't return.
The worst part about it is, I'll feel terrible now, but when I go to sleep, the moment I wake up, I'll feel like it never happened. But I'll know it happened, I'll never let myself forget it happened. not because I want to. But because my brain wont let me forget it.
I used to find joy in creating things. Making games. Every time I open the engine rather then excitement I get sadness. I find coding a chore now, not a fun thing to do, I no longer have any hopes of making something out of what I spend my hours doing.
I was given 10$ for something I made in an afternoon as a joke. I don't feel happy I feel regret. I feel like I'll never make any of the hundreds of dollars I spent mean anything.
There is a saying "in 100 years no one will know you existed" and most people shrug it off, "good They will forget my mistakes" they think. That saying terrifies me, I do not fear death, its inevitable but I fear what happens after. I don't want to be forgotten.
I started coding a small space shooter, with terrible code, horrible sprites, I knew nothing. Yet I thought for a moment, I would become something from this. That this thing I was making was amazing. I realized as the years grew it was terrible. So I started an RPG, I learned a lot more, I figured out to do more things, I crafted stories I made worlds, I made entire history, for no one. It was terrible too, so broken I still have it setting on my desk with the idea I'll return to it, but I know I never will, its far to gone now.
I came up with a game, about my thoughts, How I felt about myself. That sparked peoples interests. I decided to make it do stuff I was good at, make jokes! tease you! make you think something was wrong with your pc. Open the CD tray! That made a few people exited. A fresh Idea, no ones done before. But How do I do it? What's the point? I made a story, it was terrible. I made another, still terrible just a repaint of someone else's! A thought about myself. How would the game play work? My puzzle pieces do not fit, yet they taunt me every chance they get. I sit here and I think. I'll never be anything. I'll never make anything great or exciting. I'll be forgotten.

If I ever hurt you, If I ever made you upset or annoyed.
I'm sorry. I'm deeply truly sorry. but I know I'm already past forgiveness.
I just want to say, Thanks for being alive, for having your mind all together.
Hopefully I'll be that way too someday.


Edit: I posted this while feeling in a really bad place, I've since calmed down a bit and now feel sort of silly about posting this. But I hope it serves as a post for others to realize they are not alone in what they are feeling.
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I suppose you're right in that your thoughts are all over the place... sometimes I'm like that when I talk irl, but I feel I can organize my thoughts better when it comes to using a keyboard :bunny:

I take it that you are struggling in life and yet want to let people know that you do genuinely care about others a lot. But you also want to really let someone understand the struggles you are going through without sounding selfish because well you really want help (while feeling helpless). Not trying to sound like I'm a psychologist or something, but just sharing my thoughts on your situation as it sounds similar to what I went through (though I don't have any mental illnesses).

There isn't really a magical solution to everything, but I'll tell you part of what allowed me to get better in case it may be insightful: I just stopped caring about things I shouldn't care about. That isn't the same as not caring about anything. We should always care about ourselves and others, but there are aspects of us and other people that many of us are tempted to spend a lot of time obsessing over when really it's an attempt to fulfil something else that we (didn't realize we) needed. 'Refocusing' my cares and priorities helped to resolve my personal problems (some of which aren't problems anymore but just things that I live with but don't really care about), I was able to return to making my game that I've worked on and off, with several long hiatuses, for almost 7 years now. Sounds kind of random to mention the game, but the thing is that with this new state of mind I was able to really focus on wanting to make something great. Before, I was only concerned with making the game so that my problems would be resolved when I would reap the reward's of the game's future success, but that was a very slow and unhealthy way to think about things.

So anyway, I know that you said you were concerned about once thinking that making games would bring you fulfilment and fear that it may no longer be the case, but I'd say just think some more about your state of life in a constructive way, not a pessimistic way (nor an overly egotistical way), and see if you can get your problems sorted by thinking about things differently. Then you may have the focus to attempt to make it big... maybe through revisiting game development or it might be something else that you never thought about before.


Firehammer Games
I don't know the best way to help with your issues except to be here for you. I WILL say that in your own way, you touched my life. It may have been all fun and games, but you directly motivated me to do more with my Jam entry when I was basically calling it done and moving it on, so there is that. You have had a positive effect on at the least my life, and I'm sure others feel the same. Try to keep that in your head. I can't guarantee you anything about 100 years or even half that, but at the least you have done something positive in recent times and that is much more than many people can say.


Anxiety / Depression truly sucks.

Keyword: Rumination (psychology)

I've lived with it for most of my life. Only starting from last year, I've stabilised significantly. I'll still get my moods, but it's to be recognised that not every day would be a good day.

I've had a recent revelation from watching a vlog from a smart, successful, single person- how do you want to produce your own story? (funny from a vlog, isn't it? I suppose getting perspective from someone's lifestyle can change your view)

Your life really only builds up from your decisions.

Your emotions can be a function of your environment (but this isn't always inherently true). If you're feeling lonely- then it can be the result of you not going out enough. It's your subconscious telling you something.

Do you want to be some social awkward guy, or be a social butterfly and have enjoyable interactions with your co-workers?
Obviously not something you can change overnight. I used to be a total socially anxious person 2 years ago. Now I'm the energetic extrovert that would generally initiate the convos- you literally can make that choice.

From hearing podcasts relating to psychology, the first step for solving mental problems is identifying them. Try to find podcasts relating to mental health- you can learn a lot from them. Philosophy also helped me.
This wouldn't work for everyone, but it would be something worth trying.


Do you want to be some social awkward guy, or be a social butterfly and have enjoyable interactions with your co-workers?
It's important to note that these certainly aren't the only two options available, in case anyone reads this and thinks becoming an extrovert is the only path to a fulfilling life.

That said, if interacting with others is difficult for you and you feel life would be improved by overcoming it, then absolutely it's a good area to focus on. In general, becoming more social can have a significant positive impact on your life. You can still be a non-"socially awkward" introvert and be happy with life in general though.
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@EvanSki Thanks for posting, because talking about mental health is really important for everyone.
Take this as definitive immutable Truth: I find you one of the coolest people I know from the GameMaker community. You're great support for me and I've always enjoyed the projects we've managed to make together. I especially look forward to your time as the Jam Host.


@EvanSki - you're definitely not alone in those feelings. I think the isolation people have felt during the pandemic has exacerbated that problem for sure.

And take it from someone who got labelled a "social butterfly" for her whole childhood... (it is just a label lol) socializing has been, and will always be, a crazy, messy, complicated balancing act. Everyone's learning and re-learning how to do it. So you need to forgive yourself when something like this happens. That's how you can be your best self for other people.

And I can tell from your post that you do care about others. Helping others *is* certainly great. It allows us to let go of our problems for a bit. But don't do it to a degree where it comes at your own expense.

If you don't take care of yourself, how could you be effective if you want to help others? And remember there's no rule you have to be productive every day. Don't beat yourself up! :) If you have days where you just have to focus on you, that's okay too! Definitely something I've learned over the course of the pandemic.


Master of Pixel-Fu
Hey, @EvanSki. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I for one enjoy your company in this little community, and find you very outgoing. It's not an easy thing to be a leader at something, and it takes a certain confidence, but you're doing a great job so far and keeping us all engaged. As far as making games for money, I tend to put that out of my mind for the most part. My motivation for making games is to entertain first. But every unfinished project you have is a stepping stone to get you further and further as a professional. If you ever want to team up and need pixels, I'll hook you up.