Feedback Dialogue/Story Needs Improving

Discussion in 'Game Design, Development And Publishing' started by Red Phantom, Sep 19, 2019.

  1. Red Phantom

    Red Phantom Member

    Apr 12, 2018
    Please give feedback and tell me how I could improve the dialogue in my game.

    Game Script (up to an including demo, there is going to be about 5-10x more dialogue in the finished game)

    Scene 1 Meskhenet standing before gravestones, thinking out loud :

    "I never got the chance to meet you..."
    " I wonder what you were like..."
    "Yet I'll never know..."
    "I wish you had stayed..."
    "Even for just a while..."
    "So you could give me the answers to all of these questions..."
    "Mother and father..."
    "I'd better head back home now. It's getting late and I'm working at the store tomorrow morning."
    "This job is the only thing I have to take me away from all of the questions."
    "Questions that will never be answered."

    Scene 2 - A mother gets killed
    Soldier: "No one is coming to help you."
    Soldier: "Time to shut you up."
    Soldier shoots and kills the mother, then turns to face you
    Soldier: "You're next"

    Scene 3 - When you talk to the crying child in the house
    Meskhenet: "Hey there, are you alright?"
    Child: "Mamma! I want Mamma!"
    Meskhenet: "..."
    Meskhenet: "Look buddy it's not safe here, we need to get you out of here."
    Child: "What about Mamma?"
    Meskhenet: "We'll find your Mamma later. Now it's time for us to go. Come on buddy work with me, get up, I'm here to help you.
    Child: "Ok."
    Meskhenet: "Follow me and stay close."

    Scene 4 - When you take the child to the old man

    Senior Civilian: "Whatbrings such youth here?"
    Meskhenet: "I need you to look after this child for me."
    Senior Civilian: "Yes... Perhaps such youth shall shorten the days I am to wait."
    Meskhenet: "Well I'm heading west. I need to check on a friend."
    Senior Civilian: "That means you're passing the P.S.I building, am I right?
    Meskhenet: "Yes that's right. Why do you ask?"
    Senior Civilian: "Because you'll need this key. Here take it."
    Meskhenet:"Thank you old man."
    Senior Civilian: "Best of luck."

    Scene 5 - Triggered when you try open the door to your room in your house.
    The door is locked.
    Meskhenet: "Chisiri are you there?"
    Chisiri opens the door and comes out.
    Chisiri: "Meskhenet! Thank God, you're ok. Where have you been?"
    Meskhenet: "I was at the burial grounds..."
    Chisiri:"People in the city are being killed. They're killing innocent people for who knows what cause."
    Chisiri: "We can't leave the city, they came from the West and there could be more of them just beyond the city. We need to find out what's going on."
    Meskhenet: "What's going on? I don't have any idea what's going on."
    Chisiri:"The men that have been rampaging the citystole all of our trading goods."
    Chisiri: "I've seen these men before. I've seen them on that hill in the East part of the city."
    Meskhenet: "Alright then, that's where I'm going."
    Chisiri: "I was afraid you would say that. Just please becareful then Meskhenet."

    Scene 6 - Meskhenet notices crate which is essential for jumping on-top of buildings to get to laboratory

    Meskhenet: "I could've sworn that crate wasn't here before. Someone must have put it here recently."

    Scene7 - triggered when you enter the middle of a dark room in the laboratory
    Lights turn on, revealing 4 soldiers around you.
    Norcad: "Well what do we have here? Looks like the assassin has walked right into our trap."
    Norcad: "You see this power box discharging behind me?"
    Norcad: "I can usethis control switch to turn on or off everything operating in the laboratory, including the ent door to this control room."
    Norcad: "I don't know how you found our lab or if you know what our plan is but I do know that you can't stop us. No one can. Your town is the second one that we have seized."
    Norcad: "Soon we will control every town. But enough talk, it's time that your pursuit is put to an end."
    Norcad: "Now kill him!"

    Interact with characters to find extra dialogue, you can interact with these characters repeatedly talking to them again and again but they say the same thing (like in pokemon games)

    Senior Civilian (before taking child to him)
    "The days grow ever longer as I wait for him to come. I often play solitaire with myself to pass the time."

    Senior Civilian (after taking child to him)
    "Perhaps such youth shall shorten the days I am to wait."

    Chisiri (after triggering scene 5)
    "I've seen these men on that hill in the East part of the city. Just please becareful Meskhenet."

    When trying to leave the city you are stopped by text (before talking to Chisiri)
    Meskhenet: "I better check if Chisir is alright first.

    When trying to leave the city you are stopped by text (after talking to Chisiri)
    Meskhenet: "I must go to the hill in the East part of the city.

    Special Scene Part 1 - triggered when you enter a certain house
    Once you enter house, a man in the house points a gun at you immediately.
    Ex-Soldier: "Who are you? What do you want?"
    Meskhenet: "I'm not allied with these men here." (referring to the dead soldiers on the floor)
    Meskhenet: "My name is Meskhenet and I want to stop these men. I'm also searching for some answers to this madness."
    Ex-soldier lowers his gun
    Ex-Soldier: "These men wear similar battledress to what I had once worn."
    Meskhenet:"So you're an ex-soldier the. Who did you work for?"
    Mekshenet: "You said thy are wearing similar battledress to what you used to wear so maybe they work for your former leader."
    Ex-Soldier: "Impossible. I worked for Garai and he's long gone."
    Meskhenet: "So you were apart of the Age of Terror with Garai."
    Ex-Soldier: "That's right, but don't associate me with him. He was as hateful as they come, and full of malice."
    Meskhenet: "Yes that's exactly what I've heard."
    Ex-Soldier: "Feel free to have a look in that room there, you might just find something useful."

    Special Scene Part 2 - trieggered When going into the ex-soldiers room
    Ex-Soldier enters room and walks towards you.
    Ex-Soldier: "I see you've discovered my armoury."
    Meskhenet: "The two pistols at the top, they're the same as mine."
    Ex-Soldier: "Yes, the men I killed have the same pistols too."
    Meskhenet: "That long barell, second shelf from the bottom, would be an upgrade."
    Ex-Soldier; "Not long ago another came. He said he was working against these villainous men so I decided to help him."
    Meskhenet: "He had the same pistol as you before I gave him one of my long barrels."
    Ex-Soldier: "Here take this pistol, it re-loads faster than yours. We're all on the same side now after all."

    Talking to Ex-Soldier after special scene with him
    Ex-Soldier: "I'm looking for the mask of the infamous masked terrorist. If you find it bring it to me."
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
  2. pixeltroid

    pixeltroid Member

    Jul 23, 2016
    The dialogues seem fine. But what is the story/plot exactly? I really can't tell from the dialogue. :/

    I am not sure I know whats going on or why they killed the woman, or who the characters are, or what the lab has to do with anything....or even what the protagonists goal is. All I can tell is that there are some baddies doing bad things.

    I'm just given all this information, but it all goes over my head because the story has not been explained.
  3. Red Phantom

    Red Phantom Member

    Apr 12, 2018


    Orange = Character Database
    Blue = Events/Scenes/Dialogue

    Scene 7 - Apprentice Researcher

    In room 7 laboratory, once the elevator lifts you up to the bedroom and you step off the elevator, apprentice researched is faced away just before bed 2's wooden bedside.
    Originally there are two keys on the wooden bedside:
    Apprentice Researcher: "Here they are."
    Keys disappear rom wooden bedside(Apprentice Researcher has taken keys)
    Key tingling/object-collecting sound plays
    Apprentice Researcher turns the other way, walks a step, then stops because he sees you.
    He raises his pistol to shoot you then free mode is enabled - you can't leave the room until you kill him.
    Once you kill him, character automatically walks up to him:
    Meskhenet: "Where were you planning on going?"
    Apprentice Researcher: "..." (no response because dead).
    Character has 2 keys more in items now and key tingling/object-collecting sound effect plays.

    Special Event - Ex-Soldier Part 3 (Terrorist Mask)
    This is triggered when you talk to the ex-soldier after collecting the 'terrorist mask' item in your inventory.
    Ex-Soldier: "That's it! That's the mask of the infamous masked terrorist! Where did you find it?"
    Meskhenet: "It was in _____(insert location here)______"
    Ex-Soldier: "I see"
    Ex-Soldier: "They called themselves GLS, though I'm not sure what it stands for. Known for never being seen without their mask, the masked terrorist was their leader."
    Ex-Soldier: "Although the GLS suddenly disappeared many years ago. They completely stopped making appearances. Though I still believe they're out there, scheming."
    Ex-Soldier: "You see I need to redeem myself for the crimes I commited under Garai's command."
    Ex-Soldier: "Here take this as a reward for finding me the mask."
    Item Collect S.E. plays, machine gun disappears from shelf and appears in your inventory and is now equipped.
    Ex-Soldier: "Now it's time for me to follow this mask back through time. I'm going to hunt the GLS down."

    Speaking to woman in forest house:
    This event is triggered when you first enter the forest house.
    Woman - "Who are you and why are you in my house?"
    Meskhenet: "My name is Meskhenet and I'm from ____(insert city name here)___ city. I mean no harm.
    Woman - "Well you don't seem like a treat at least... Go now, I have nothing for you, unless you bring me some wind chimes."

    End of conversation, free mode enabled.

    Repeatedly Speaking to woman in forest house before you bring her wind chimes:
    Woman: "I have nothing for you, unless you bring me some wind chimes."

    Talking to Woman While Containing Wind Chimes:
    Meskhenet: "I've brought you some wind chimes, but before I give them to you I want you to show me what you have in exchange."
    Woman - "In exchange I'll give you peace and freedom..."

    Woman walks over to leaf curtains and pulls them revealing a door.
    Woman - "Beyond this door is a path that leads to a secret village, it is protected only by its secrecy, you will not speak of this village to any of the outsiders here."
    Meskhenet - "I understand, here take the wind chimes."
    Woman - "Anyone who threatens the village will be eliminated."

    End of conversation, free mode enabled.

    Talking to Nelson for the First Time
    Nelson is a boy who sits on a tree stump in the forest.
    Meskhenet: "What are you doing in such a dangerous forest young boy?"
    Nelson- "This forest isn't dangerous, it's the mountain just west there that's dangerous."
    Meskhenet: "You're right, I've heard the weather is extremely cold and harsh up there."
    Nelson - "I'm not talking about the weather. I'm talking about the man-eating monster up there! I've been here looking for my friend. I think he might have gone up the mountain and has been eaten by the monster."

    End of conversation, free mode enabled.

    Repeatedly talking to Nelson (after initial conversation):
    Nelson: "I've been looking for my friend. I think he might have gone up the mountain and has been eaten by the monster."

    Character Database (Personality Description of Characters)

    • Possesses great abilities, strength and speed.
    • Has and is conscious of Seth's will in him, believes he is the re-incarnation of Seth.
    • Wish to cease Osiris' will, wishes to kill them of Osiris' will and break the people who are of great Osiris' will.
    • Cold and full of hate.
    • His upbringing is unknown.
    • Name means conqueror, he conquered in his time.

    • Name means destiny.
    • Destined to grow good and strong butis broken and becomes a great evil, a great evil grows inside of him. (In the sequel you play as a different hero and Meskhenet is the final enemy boss)
    • Is raised by a lady and works for her when he grows up, he comes to really love her.
    • Has a dream one night, where he sees through the eyes of a monster that kills the lady that raised him.
    • As Garai dies, he curses Meskhenet to great evil.

    Ex-Soldier of Garai
    • Very good fighter (kills two of Ferecha's soldiers.)
    • Not necessarily bad, not evil.
    • Has an arsenal of weapons in back room which is where you receive your weapons upgrades in the game.
    • Describes Garai as cold and full of hate.

    • In early 50's age
    • Garai's sister.
    • Intelligent and deceiving (deceives warden).
    • Physically weak.
    • Medium speed.
    • She is the enemy leader in the game who is coordinating all of the mass killings.
    • One of her motives in game, before she dies, is to see Garai her brother live again.
    • Cold to Zuberi, but cares for him a little. Really cares for Garai.

    • Name means strong, named by Ferecha
    • Tough and strong
    • Medium speed
    • Obeys Ferecha sheepishly, very loyal to her.
    • Ferecha took him in as he was without a home when young.

    Clutzo Gang:

    Why Ferecha Decides to Take the Lake

      • When Ferecha left GLS the newly formed Clutzo gang was ruthless and violent throughout their robberies, to send a scare-message to Ferecha.
      • Ferecha and Zuberi are walking down the water path when runningmain researched catches up to them and tells them about Clutzo's threats.
      • Ferecha then decides to be more discrete and takes the lake path, having Zuberi block the lake (with wood from the forest) path while waiting in the lake path for Ferecha to come back through.
      • When Ferecha comes back, with the dagger, to the lake, Zuberi takes the wood blocking the lake and they head back to and remain in the laboratory looking for clues about Clutzo (as that is where Clutzo members threatened the main researcher.)
    Chronological Version 2 (of 5) - (Previous Time to Thiis Version (3))

      • A number of years ago, you play as Clutzo, the future leader of the Clutzo gang.
      • Version 2 starts with your recruitment to GLS (Garai's Legacy Squad), led by Ferecha, the famous masked terrorist.
      • At the beginning of Version 2, you are the newest member of GLS.
      • The original members of GLS are: Zuberi, ???, ???, Clutzo(you)
      • Throughout the whole version you carry out "tasks" as Ferecha calls them.
      • These tasks include: burning down farms, burning food storages, theft(you get to keep your part of the theft wealth), assassinating(farmers, and also people trying to kill your squad)
      • Zuberi joins(first to join) because Ferecha offered him shelter and food which the orphan did not have, the rest join because of their greed and the wealth Ferecha promesses them, which they do accumulate however, Ferecha takes all valuables in the end.

      • Halfway through the version the two ?'s leave, retiring.
    • 7/10 and 9/10 through version 2, two respective new members join GLS (Garai's Legacy Squad)
    • Your final "task" in Version 2, is to assassinate two targets, however they are at distant locations, so your squad splits in two.
    • The two new members go after on target while Clutzo(you), Ferecha and Zuberi go after the other.
    • You see that the target is one of the two ex-GLS members so you refuse to carry out the assassination, while Ferecha and Zuberi complete the task before your eyes.
    • Whether or not the other target was the other ex-GLS member is left a mystery.
    • Due to your failure, after the assassination is complete they then turn on you (Ferecha and Zuberi) this is the final battle where you fight both of them. After you deat them they escape from you.
    • You (Clutzo) decide to pursue them and conclude that they will go back to the GLS hideout. When you get there you find the two new members, furious at the fact that all their accumulated possessions had been stolen (assumingly by Ferecha).
    • Now at the end of Version 2, the Clutzo is formed with you, Clutzo, as the leader.
    Chronological Version (3 of 5)

      • Clutzo hideout is hard to get into
      • After you defeat full-armored soldier, if you re-visit P.S.I building P.S.I crates are taken and "Clutzo" graffiti marks are left where P.S.I crates used to be.
      • Clutzo gang member questions researcher, finds little info on Ferecha, then threatens researcher to stop working for Ferecha or he will be killed.
      • Researcher flees to hideout - on his way to hideout, he talks to Ferecha on water-path, Ferecha realizes Clutzo is after her.
      • Inside a small private room in the hideout - researcher is dead, the same clutzo member who threatened him snuck in and kill him because he continued working for Ferecha. He sneaks in and out without any soldiers finding out he was there..
      • There are 3-5 Clutzo members in Version 3, including all 3 original members.
      • When you arrive in Room 3 of hideout, the main researcher is dead bleeding on the floor. The Clutzo member also stole most of the P.S.I files to sell/gain intel on Ferecha. Clutzo mark is marked on floor beside dead main researcher.
    Special Event - Finding Norcad After the Laboratory Encounter
    Norcad had told, Clutzo (the boss/leader of Clutzo gang) that he would bring their former leader (Ferecha) from many years ago for Clutzo and his gang to kill. Instead he brings you hoping to get you killed. Before he takes you to Clutzo gang he doesn't mention Clutzo's (the gang's) relationship with Ferecha - which is not known throughout this entire version. All Norcad says is "To kill Ferecha, I'll first have to take you to her past. I'll help you trace her footsteps so you can understand her and help me kill her." (At this stage - in this version you know nothing about Ferecha's past.)
    Meskhenet: "Why would you backstab your leader?"
    Norcad responds by justifying why he doesn't like Ferecha and says "follow me", at the end of his dialogue. He then leads you into a trap.

      • Clutzo gang does not know you are not their former leader as they never saw Ferecha's face which was always masked.
      • Clutzo gang wants to kill Ferecha, because she took all the wealthy possessions they stole together and also attempted to assassinate all of them but some survived, and reformed Clutzo gang, dedicated to: theft, survival and killing their former leader.
    Ferecha created GLS (Garai's Legacy Squad), the pre-Clutzo-gang, to cause a famine. Even though Garai's Terror destroyed most of the farms, some still remained, and there were new growing ones too. So she needed a team to burn all these farms down and get away with it.

    When you first enter small city, Zuberi is at left-side of lake waiting for Ferecha (although you don't know this until later) and Ferecha does not go through lake until you reach cave in mountain and speak to Warden.

    First Event in Small City
    Two soldiers are standing outside the house with the locked door.
    Auto mode enabled - character walks until he gets a bit closer to the soldiers then waits on the right side of an earlier house listening to the two soldiers talk:
    1st soldier: "It's locked but I definitely heard a voice come from in this house before."
    2nd soldier: "Well we're getting in no matter how long it takes. I want whatever noxious conspirator that is in there dead."
    1st soldier: Yeah you're right, the people of this city are remnants of Garaii and his terror."
    2nd soldier- "Well the door's way too strong to barge open. How are we going to get in?"
    1st soldier - "Go and check if any of the neighbours have a spare key to this house. I'll wait here in case they try running away."
    2nd soldier - "Alright."
    2nd soldier walks off to left and goes into blue house.
    free mode enabled, you never talk to these soldiers, you can fight the other soldier inside the blue house to the left.

    Zuberi Lying (under Ferecha's command) and convincing soldiers to slaughter small city people
    Tells soldiers people of small city are conspirators that pursue Garai's dream of "_________"
    (Ferecha does not try revive Garai,. Garai is buried in special spot at graveyard. rather Ferecha pursues Garai's dream. She tells Zuberi and Researcher to tell their men that the people of the cites (that are attacked) are conspirators pursuing Garai's dream when ironically she is this but no one knows it.) (Also all soldiers are told this same story so there is no confusion among them - as they all come together after slaughtering the cities to their hideout(except the ones you kill).

    Hideout is originally locked.
    Zuberi - in charge of soldiers that kill small city.
    Researcher - in charge of soldiers that kill first bigger city.

    Why the Lake is Blocked
    Zuberi is on the wooden planks in between the blocked places but you don't know that or see him (until revealed in a cutscene at the end of the game or in a later version).
    He blocks the entry/exits with stacks of forest wood which only he is strong enough to move. This lake is a safe path for Ferecha when Ferecha finishes in the mountains the path is no longer blocked. Paths will unblock after you go in cave.

    Hideout First Visit
    1. The two soldiers at the entry door have their guns lowered, but then a moment after you enter they raise their pistols and free mode is enabled.
    2. Once you kill them and enter Room 5 of the hideout, you raise your pistol at the soldier without a gun waiting by room 6 door:

    Gunless Soldier - "Hold on! Don't shoot. If you want food I can get you some, just don't shoot."

    Meskhneet - "I'm not here for food, I'm here for answer. Tell me, why have you been killing innocent people?"

    Gunless Soldier - "We've been killing conspirators, mad people who are determined to destroy the future of this world."

    Meskhenet: "Conspirators? They were not conspirators. One of the cities you attacked was my home, and I know that the people in my city are not conspirators as you say."

    Gunless soldier - "In your case my leader would be lying to us all. However, our leader is an honest man, a kind man. He gives us food in a time where food is rare. He is researching as we speak to create food for the starving people in our world. He has given us life in a dying world, and hoipe for others not as fortunate as us fighters."

    Meskhenet - " I don't care what you think he is, just tell me where I can find him or you'll die."

    Gunless Soldier - "Ok! Go through the door, left of where you entered here and you should be able to find him."
    Free mode is enabled, you can kill the soldier or spare him.

    3. Get key from food storage room:
    Meskhenet: "this can't be."
    character walks close to body.
    "His wounds are fresh."
    character looks side to side.
    "Whoever came must've just left."
    Character walks further and picks up P.S.I files.
    There is a pause for 2 seconds.
    There is apause for 2 seconds.
    "In a cave."
    Another pause for 2 seconds.
    "Atop a mountain west of here."
    "Perhaps that is where I can find some answers to what is happening."
    Free mode is enabled.

    Garaii's Dream and What Ferecha achieves from the cave
    In version 1, Garaii was born and lived in a temple full of hieroglyphs and images of ancient Egyptian Gods.
    Garai's dream - to protect Osiris by banishing unworthy soulds by killing those whose hearts were heavy with sin and impurities and letting Ammut feed on them. He believed everyone's heart's were heavy with sin and impurities so he wanted to kill everyone.

    Divine Purifying Gold Dagger
    The divine purifying gold dagger is what the Warden protects. When Traveller (Ferecha impersonating Agueda) goes to cave,she convinces the Warden that she needs to hide the dagger in a different place to protect it from "some evil comer". When you come to cave Warden thinks you are "the evil comer"- Evnt Warden should reflect all of this.
    Ferecha gets the divine purifying dagger to continue Garai's dream and kille veryone, except she will purify the souls of those who she kills. She says that those whosurvied the attack of her soldiers are destined to be purified by her.

    Once you defeat Zuberi at the graveyard, the final boss, he is on floor and you ask about his and Ferecha's motive. He tells you the truh, then you kill him. Here at the graveyard, warden destroys dagger and is released from curse, Ferecha runs off.

    Ferecha first wants to get rid of Clutzo before she kills anyone else.

    When you re-visit laboratory, when you go into Room 7, zuberi and Ferecha are in there looking for clues. Once you enter Room 8 lab door, once you reach the 5th step from either side of the door, Fereecha and Zuberi come from the opposite side of the door, walking towards you.

    They stop walking at a certain position from you and Ferecha says, "he's an assassin sent to kill me, deal with him for me please Zuberi." (she thinks you are a clutzo member and she is not sure if zuberi is strong enough to kill a clutzo member, so she runs to the door and out of the room and out of the laboratory with the dagger, not knowing who will win the fight.
    Ziberi knockws you down instantly, then beats you abit, the screen goes black, later, the warden wakes you up.

    Event - The Traveller Recount

    Warden - "Who are you? Why are you here?"
    Traveller - A great evil seeks the artefact of which you stand in death to protect. To prevent this great evil from obtaining the artefact I must part the artefact from its resting place, where the great evil seeks it. I must take it from this cave.
    Traveller begins walking towards artefact.
    Warden - "Stop!"
    Traveller stops walking
    Warden - "Why should I trust your words?"
    Traveller "Because.. I am Agueda. I am the one who ceased the rule of Garai and the age of terror."
    Warden - Yes.. Indeed it is you. The one who sought perish to Garai and brought forth The Age of Restoration. Please forgive me for my rudeness Agueda as I have lost time of these days, growing weary in this eternal curse which bounds me to this cave. Now please, take it, and keep it somewhere where no-one will find it and you shall return it once this great evil will trouble us no more.
    Traveller walks to the middle of the room and glowing light at centr e of cavestops and goes dark.
    Traveller - Do not fret, for it rests in good hands. Oh and to secure my safe keeping of the artefact. You must kill the next one to find this cave.
    Warden - "Yes I understand"

    Warden encounter with meskhenet
    When you enter cave, out of no where warden surprise attacks you and instantly you are on the floor. He then asks for your motive, and you are honest to him. He says "so that was not Agueda" You then experience event - the traveller recount on your screen.
    Eventually you help him realise that the person who took the purifying blade is the vil one.
    He asks you where that person might be and you tell him about the hideout and also about the laboratory. He then rushes out of the cave and disappears from screen in directionof hideout to search for Ferecha. Free mode is enabled.
    So - you don't actually ever fight the warden.

    Canibal (BOSS FIGHT) in mountains

    He sleeps in a wornout, messy pile of cloths on the floor (from the people he ate)
    He is waiting in bushes hiding, then steps out and hits you on the back of your head with his bone weapon.

    Scientist When He Flees From Laboratory
    Goes to hideout to get instructions from his boss, the researcher.
    Unlocks hideout with one key.
    Unlocks room researcher is working in with another key.
    Scientist tells researcher about you coming to lab. Reserarcher thinks you are the same clutzo member that threatened him before.
    Researcher sends full-armored fighter (his bodyguard) to go and kill you.
    Scientist leaves room to work in another room.
    Clutzo kills researcher and is about to leave.
    Scientist goes to see researcher but finds him dead and Clutzo is there - this is where scientist bargains for his life by saying he will bring Ferecha to their hideout.
    Scientist is not in secret village until after you have gone into the cave and talked to the warden.
    Scientist freezes in front of Clutzo in terror.
    Clutzo- "Do you work for Ferecha aswell?"
    Scientist - "No, I worked under him." (referring to the researcher that is dead)
    Clutzo - "I'll spare you then."
    Scientist "Thank you."
    Clutzo - " There is one thing you must do though. Find Ferecha, and bring her to the village, the path to which is hidden in the forest. Betray my wish and I will kill you."
    Clutzo disappears and leaves.
    Small (Second) City Rail Event
    Resident - "Are they still here?"
    Meskhenet - "Why are these men here, why have they killed your neighbours?"
    Resident - "You tell me. They came here shooting their pistols without saying a word."
    Meskhenet - "Was there not a conspiracy here inn this city, something to do with someone named Garai?"
    Resident - "Garai? I've only heard stories of Garai, I don't know how we have anything to do with him."
    Meskhenet (says to himself in his head) - "... That doesn't make any sense... The soldiers talking before seemed quite convined of their motive. Could this man/woman be lying?"
    End of conversation.
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2019
  4. Red Phantom

    Red Phantom Member

    Apr 12, 2018
    I think the worst part about my story is the enemies true motive. Also the idea if causing starvation is a bit ridiculous, even if the world in this game is small, so I need to somehow change that. Ideas and feedback appreciated.
  5. pixeltroid

    pixeltroid Member

    Jul 23, 2016
    how would you summarize the plot of your game's story? what's going on? who's fighting who and why?
    Red Phantom likes this.
  6. Red Phantom

    Red Phantom Member

    Apr 12, 2018
    Plot Summary
    Prior to the game's beginning Garai a main who wielded supernatural powers recruited and built up an army which then caused terror. This became known as 'The Age of Terror'. However, eventually a hero named 'Agueda' killed the leader Garai and the army ceased to exist. This became known as 'The Age of Restoration'. During 'The Age of Restoration' Ferecha (Garai's sister) formed GLS, Garai's Legacy Squad. The purpose of Garai's Legacy Squad was to cause a genocide by starvation. They burned down farms and killed farms or anyone who threatened them. However, two members of GLS left the group and Ferecha ordered the remaining group to assassinate them. Failing to asassinate the ex-members, Ferecha then turned on the rest of the members with a failed attempt to kill them all. The ex-members of GLS except Ferecha then formed a new gang called 'Clutzo' and GLS ceased to exist. The Clutzo gang's purpose was to accumulate wealth through theft/robberies and to eliminate Ferecha as well as anyone else who threatened them. Ferecha begins to form a new army to fulfill Garai's will of terror. The game begins with Meskhenet (you) mourning at your parents' graves. You come back to your home city afterwards to find Ferecha's army is causing sudden carnage in both your city and the other city in the game. You stand up for justice and fight these enemies will seeking answers as to who's behind this and what their reasons are.

    The army has a hideout as well as a laboratory which you are to assault in the game.
    Their is a clear hierarchy of enemies. in the game:
    Level 1. Leader - Ferecha
    Level 2. Sub-leaders who report directly to Ferecha - Scientist + Zuberi(Ferecha's personal bodyguard) + Head Researcher. These are the only people aware of Ferecha's presence.
    Level 3. Full-Armored fighter(Head Researcher's personal bodyguard) + Apprentice Researcher who reports directly to the Head Researcher
    Level 4. Soldiers who report directly to either Zuberi or Head Researcher. Researchers who report directly to the Head Researcher.

    What is Garai's will/motive for terror (which Ferecha inherits) i.e. what is the enemies ultimate reason for killing people? (I can't come up with anything good yet, so if you have any ideas please comment!)
    Burning down farms to cause death by famine is ridiculous, I need to change this. If you have any good ideas please comment? Perhaps direct killing rather than trying to cause starvation.

    Please tell me how I could improve my plot and also what motive/will I could give Garai.
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2019
  7. Zuurix

    Zuurix Member

    Jun 20, 2016
    The second sentence seems unnecessary. Text in green is a suggestion, to make other sentences work.

    Why is he calling you "assassin"? Seems strangely specific.

    Why is he explaining this to you?

    This is how I would do it. Not very interesting, but seems more appropriate to the situation. Consider delivering important information through other ways.

    Striked unnecessary word. This dialogue is strange, I don't understand what do you want to tell with it? That there's another guy fighting the evil soldiers? And that ex-soldier helped him as well?
    Consider re-writing.

    That's incredibly vague, I do not understand who is he referring to. At least use a name, e.g.: "the infamous Masked Bob".

    I'll read later.
    Keep in mind I only played a bit of the game, so if I'm confused about something that would be clear in-game just ignore it.

    EDIT: Continuing:

    I don't know you get the text here directly from the game, but "threat" is the correct spelling. You should get Grammarly and use it to spellcheck everything. Better than nothing.

    Insanity is possible motivation. Religious fanaticism too, might be more fitting because of the whole egyptian thing you're doing.

    Genocide by famine is not ridiculous.

    I'd argue that it's a lot more dramatically powerful than just shooting people or nuclear/biological genocide, because these have been done before many times.

    Would be great if you'd show a some form of story summary before game starts, because without it it's really difficult to understand what's going on.

    Keep it up =]
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2019
    Toque and Red Phantom like this.
  8. Toque

    Toque Member

    May 25, 2017
    You asked about motive. Perhaps he's evil and have been banished from these towns so he has returned for revenge. Perhaps he wanted to control the towns but they resisted. Perhaps he wants to make room for his loyal followers. ??????

    You dont have to explain everything at the begging if you want to reveal as you go along. But the player will not know anything. You cant assume they will figure anything out on their own. You will have to feed them the story as it goes along......
    Red Phantom and pixeltroid like this.
  9. pixeltroid

    pixeltroid Member

    Jul 23, 2016
    The supernatural powers thing just feels random. It doesn't seem to appear anywhere else in the plot. You also haven't explained what those powers are or how he got them.

    I thought Garai is already dead? You said he was killed by a hero, Agueda, prior to the beginning of the game.

    If you meant to ask about the motive of Garai's legacy squad, just make it have something to do with his supernatural powers. Maybe the army seeks to sacrifice innocent citizens in a ritual that would bring their leader Garai back from the dead so that he can continue with his plan. Maybe his plan is to increase his power by taking the life force of those that he kills.

    Right now there are too many armies and characters. It's difficult to keep track of them all.

    If I were you, I'd simplify the plot so that it can be summarized in one solid sentence. For example: "Stop the evil army before they ritually sacrifice innocents to resurrect their dead leader".


    "Stop the evil army before they starve innocents to avenge the killing of their leader"
    Red Phantom likes this.
  10. Toque

    Toque Member

    May 25, 2017
    ...... edit
    Red Phantom likes this.
  11. Red Phantom

    Red Phantom Member

    Apr 12, 2018
    Question - Red Phantom you are only revealing fragments of the plot throughout the game, the player will only vaguely understand the plot and will only be hinted to what all the villains are doing at different points in the game. Why are you not more clear and less vague with the story? What's the point of having a big backstory if the player never knows all about it.

    Answer - Ok this initial vague-ness is deliberate. I want there to be a lot of questions for the player to begin with. However, do not worry there is a way for more details of the plot to be revealed to the player! If you interact with the right characters at the right times they will give you details to the plot through dialogue text but you will also experience flashback scenes! These flashback scenes will fill in a lot of the holes in the story and answer a lot of questions. For instance, there will be a cutscenes of Clutzo threatening, of Clutzo killing, of Ferecha adopting Zuberi many years ago, behind the scenes of what happens in the villains hideout on a day-to-day basis and much much more! This is something that I feel is going to add a lot of extra love to my game and really make it better and more fascinating. Essentially a big motivator in exploring the game and completing things is to answer questions about the plot, to flashback to the past... and even foreshadow the future like a good movie does... Foreshadowing, if done well, is a beautiful thing that will give you goose-bumps. To me this is even more interesting than a simple 'collect them all' motivation or other types of motivators. Do you guys like this idea? How I'm going to reveal the story and how I'm going to use flashbacks and foreshadowing?

    There is a lot of meaning and context behind him calling you assassin. Clutzo (someone from Ferecha's past) is trying to hunt down Ferecha (and the scientist is aware of this). However, the scientist does not know what Clutzo looks like and hence assumes you are Clutzo the assassin.

    This information is essential to the plot/game. I find this as an easy way to get this information across to the player. If you believe there is a more natural better way to do it, let me know.

    Ex-Soldier; "Not long ago another came. He said he was working against these villainous men so I decided to help him."
    Meskhenet: "He had the same pistol as you before I gave him one of my long barrels."

    This dialogue is again essential information of the plot. The first 'boss' you fight is the Full-Armored fighter(Head Researcher's personal bodyguard). The head researcher's personal bodyguard (which is what I will call him) went to the ex-soldiers house, pretending to be against the villains to get a better pistol when in actual fact he is one of them.

    Zuurix, Toque and pixeltroid you have suggested some great 'motives' for my villains.

    pixeltroid great observation! You are right about the supernatural power being an inconsistency in the game! I will remove this. You are correct, it doesn't appear anywhere else in the plot so I can't just randomly have supernatural powers.

    pixeltroid the more characters you have, the more of a world you are creating, the more life you are essentially giving your game world and overall game. Still I agree, too many characters to begin with is overwhelming. I'll start by introducing only a few essential characters, then I can slowly build on this to give my world more depth.

    I also see what you are saying about having a 'core' plot that can be said in one sentence. I still want to make my story/plot in the end very sophisticated, detailed and loved however, I will begin small and expand with details slowly throughout the game.

    "You cant assume they will figure anything out on their own. You will have to feed them the story as it goes along......"
    Toque, also great point. I agree and will make sure to feed them story as it goes along.
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
  12. Zuurix

    Zuurix Member

    Jun 20, 2016
    Then I guess the villain would say something like...

    "Are you the assasin? Doesn't matter, you can't stop us... Soon every town will be ours. Kill him!"

    I think it would fit the whole lab infiltration thing if protagonist simply overheard the people, e.g.: lab's guards talking.

    "Hey, be more careful around this electric box. That's military grade security, if you lock the doors, no one will be able to open them. You don't want to be stuck in here, do you?" - or something.

    Or villain talking to his minions:

    "It's going well so far... Soon all towns will be under our control." - or something.
    Red Phantom likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice